Y'all, I'll be honest that this post has been stewing in my head for weeks. I've had many thoughts on the focus, and I just keep not writing it. So now here I sit, I'm going to just start typing words, and we'll see where we land.
Things are hard right now. I know, I know, I'm stating an obvious for so many humans, including me. But I didn't let myself name this as I needed to for a long time. I'm saying this now, and I'm processing what this means for me.
As a secret to no one, I love reading. My feeds regularly have the books I've been reading - except that hasn't been the case for the last two months. If you've ever heard me talk self-care, you've likely heard me say that I track what I read as a way to check-in with me. When there are gaps of times when I haven't read anything, it's my sign that things might not be so great. February was that. I also looked back and realized that when I was reading I wasn't enjoying it. I honestly had gotten to this place where I was reading for process and not really connected with anything I'd finished. While ruts aren't atypical, what I found as I looked back was the majority of what I had read just wasn't my jam. Truthfully, it was quite a jarring set of revelations.
After figuring out what was going on, I had to really think about why this had happened. Where had things gone off-course? Reading is what I do, so how could I mess this up?
Before I went too far into this exploration, I gave myself some grace. I/we are still in the midst of a pandemic, and nothing is normal. I feel like everyone has had these peaks and valleys, and mine just came late in the game.
Second, I took the time to really understand what was going on. I returned to why I started sharing what I was reading in the first place. Y'all should know that for a long time I was afraid to share these regular updates with the masses. And then I faced that fear, started posting reviews/pictures of quartets, and people were a fan. I've loved how people have told me they've found their way to books because of what I had read/shared. I've loved when people ask me directly for recommendations, and I also love when people share their recommendations with me. I didn't need to overthink a solution to where I was/am, rather I just need to get back to why I started.
Also, I've realized I need to post in a way that makes sense to me. Honestly, I think I let the stress of comparison and likes and all the social media things consumed me. I loved this process so much more when it was what I wanted to do. I'm really not sure how that pressure hit me like I did, but that grace I decided to give myself means I don't have to analyze that extensively. I can say it just is and keep on moving.
Really what happened is that I let this joy become ordinary. I let my light become dull. I started going through the motions, and it was not fun.
I was thinking about this all as a greater experience in the experience that has been the last year. From the beginning, I have drawn the line that this is not a learning opportunity. I don't want to have some post about all the things I learned in this time. Because honestly, a lot of times I'm just trying to get through the day. A lot of times I'm dreaming of what cannot be. Look y'all, I've been a rule follower my whole life, and I am still very much that person. It has been an impossible challenge to emotionally navigate how it feels to be so impacted by the lack of rule following. A year later, I have no good coping mechanism for that other than having a good cry every so often.
More than anything, I ache for the normal of ordinary days. I yearn for the choices of a normal day. I want reading to be something I do, not everything. I also want to wander libraries and to sit at local coffee shops with books and to again just do normal book-ish things - normal everythings. I know it's coming, but also I still miss it. I have found that I have to let hope for what is to be exist in the same space as the grief of what hasn't been able to be. There aren't any easy answers for me, and again, I give myself the grace that this is just how it has to be.
I say this piece to really say that this reading thing was a sub-rut that was part of a greater rut.
So I'm going to get back to posting reviews and books. I did about all the books I've read in the rut that were just okay - It was a process, kind of like a book report on assigned reading, but I made it through. And from here, I'm more intentionally making choices of what I read. There is a method to this, and it's my method, and that's okay.
More than anything, I needed to put this out of my brain and into words. Maybe it has a flow, maybe it doesn't, but this is how life is right now.
Here's hoping for more ordinary days soon. . .whatever that might be.
